We’re all victims

      Walking through the huge metal gates with guards on either side with their guns and tasers staring down a child can and will change your perspective on how all of your actions have repercussions that don’t always lead to a positive outcome. I complied with these guard’s rules as well as their stern looks and walked down the long brick hallway into a large bland room with evenly spaced out tables. I sat at one of the assigned tables and waited as I watched a line of men dressed in white shirts and dark green pants filed out of a small side room. That’s when I saw him; my dad in a powerless position which I never thought I would see him in; in prison. The prison system took my dad and took my family into it also. Before I was eleven, I was sheltered from the harshness of the world. But at an age where my worst concern should’ve been when Justin Bieber was coming out with a new album, I was set with a new set of rules that I had to conform to as well as taking on a new set of responsibilities.    

For the longest time, I didn’t understand why he went to prison. Was it my fault? was there anything that I could’ve done to prevent this? Firstly, I don’t know how an eleven-year-old could factor in the causation; however, it led to me changing my whole perspective on the world.  I lost my faith in the religion which I rooted myself into, I began to harm myself and tried to remove myself emotionally from this new reality. I began to see the effects that my father’s sentence had on my entire family. My grandparents were in denial that he was going to be away for a long time as well as my cousins (from his side) began to distance themselves from this “harsh criminal”. My mother was hurt and angry about the situation as a whole. While they hadn’t been together in years, she was still angry and hurt. He put her into these compromised positions which she tried to hide from my sister and me. However, we saw how it changed her and how she became stronger. My sister didn’t understand what was happening for the first few years that he was away. She had the most hope out of all of us. She would countdown the day that he “would” be released to just be disappointed by the fact that it was pushed farther and farther away. Because of this disappointment, my family retreated to a place where we could find solace and not have to face the issues that would always follow us. 

     I had a friend in middle school who was my confidant about all of the dramas of my life. I trusted her to not share these issues because she knew that I was a victim of my embarrassment and disappointed by my father. I would even tell people that he was on a long vacation just to hide his indiscretions. She knew it all. How I wouldn’t open his letters and avoid his calls while completely rejecting his offers to visit him. However, I was disappointed again; she told the secret which I didn’t want others to know. From this newly founded exposure, I began to grow from this cage that I surrounded myself in. This constant cycle of making myself a victim when I wasn’t one. I became more open to reading and even writing letters to my dad and eventually visiting him. This started to shift my views about who I am and who my father was. 

At sixteen, I had my first glimmer of hope in a long time of waiting. He was released on parole. It felt like our relationship picked up right from where we left it back when I was twelve. But it wasn’t. I had to adjust back to the idea that he was back in my life and his sentence was still looming over all of us. Again, that hope was crushed, and I was left more disappointed than the first time. He was rearrested. Not for the same felony issues that he had before but for a menial violation of the rules that he was placed under. It still seemed that he didn’t understand that the rules do apply to him and it was like the last 5 ½ years didn’t exist. Out of his second arrest, I was at the age where I could understand why he was sent away. I began to help with writing appeals as well as dealing with his attorneys. This was a big step for me because I was finally able to be a survivor of this system. I began to see how the criminal justice system needs reforms as well as getting a better understanding of the stigmas and myths that surround convicted felons, even if they have paid their dues to society. I watched the struggles that these people would face. From struggling with discrimination that they face due to their conviction to the criminal justice system not handling cases in the most efficient way. Not only efficiency, I saw the court delay cases and try and misconstrue the facts of different cases. 

After my experiences being a child of a family member in the system, I learned that everyone is involved. Not just the convict who is serving their sentence, but the family members are greatly impacted. We all are victims in this system. Once he was released finally in 2018, the stories that I learned about other people that were incarcerated with him made me realize that these experiences that I faced are similar to other individuals and their families. this made me realize that I wanted to become a lawyer. Since I have witnessed the struggles that face convicts in the criminal justice system, I learned that I wanted to do more to help. Becoming a lawyer, I believe, will give me most efficient route in making critical changes to this system.